why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
