K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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