New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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