stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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