Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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