I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
