I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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