And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
