Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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