Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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