The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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