When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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