I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
