Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
