if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
