After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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