I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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