Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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