lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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