I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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