I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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