I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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