is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
