There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
