you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
