I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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