No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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