Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
