I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
