i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
