sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
