As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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