No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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