Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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