What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize