this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize