What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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