But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
