So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
