It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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