I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
