OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize