Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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