i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
