if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
