i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
