I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
