jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
