For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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