my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
