I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
