I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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