so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
