You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
