I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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