i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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