Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
